Truth

issue that can be resolved when God is first

Connection

November 12, 2015 by Maggie McNeill

My wife has medical issues which for the past 15 years have reduced our intimacy to a few kisses a month and sex (maybe) 2 – 4 times per year.  I know she’s doing the best she can to give me what I need, but when she does I can tell she’s in pain and there’s no emotional intimacy at all.  Lately, I have entertained the possibility of a body rub or escort professional, but I’m looking for emotional connection rather than just sex.  I’m also worried about police and scams; I don’t want to do something stupid and wind up arrested and ruin my life.

I’ve written on a number of occasions about how to find a good escort and avoid problems; you might find reading those columns worthwhile (you can find them via my “Previously Asked Questions” page).  But the short version is:  haunt your local escort board and advertising sites for a few weeks, and read all you can on any woman who strikes your fancy before you call her.  Avoid women with no history you can discover, and try to stick to ones with a well-known reputation.  If you do that, you can virtually eliminate the possibility of being tricked by cops or scam artists.  But you’re asking for a little more; you not only want a lady who’s dependable, but also one you can feel that sense of intimacy with.  It’s possible that after 15 years of touch-starvation you’d be able to achieve that with any decent GFE escort, but I have a few suggestions that might increase your chances.

• Stick with women of your own generation; it’s certainly possible to develop a good rapport with someone much younger, but you’re more likely to have more to talk about with someone who grew up in the same decade.
• Try to find a lady who lives either in your city or one that you travel to at least monthly; it’s easier to get the kind of experience you’re looking for from someone you see often.
• Don’t be in a rush to settle on one escort; try at least a few to see which you like best, then continue to see her regularly as mentioned above.
• Don’t mistake your feelings of intimacy for love; though it is indeed possible to truly fall in love with a whore (my wasband Matt fell for me 15 years ago on this very day), in your case it would most likely be the result of getting intimate touch for the first time in so very long.  Appreciate your provider for what she is to you, and don’t try to turn the relationship into something it isn’t, and you may find that both you and your wife are happier.  You’ll be getting the intimacy you crave, and your wife will be relieved of the pressure of trying to provide you with something she’s no longer capable of providing.

(Have a question of your own?  Please consult this page to see if I’ve answered it in a previous column, and if not just click here to ask me via email.)

Posted in Perception, Q & A | Tagged psychology | 2 Comments »

Camp Followers

November 11, 2015 by Maggie McNeill

The sex is ever to a soldier kind.  –  Homer, Odyssey (XIV, 246)

Since the time humans began carving out territories for ourselves, we’ve been going to war with one another.  Since the rise of centralized governments such wars have usually been conducted by a professional warrior class, and wherever the soldiers have gone whores have never been far behind.  Every army, whether on the march or in garrison, has attracted “camp followers”, non-military personnel who follow along because it’s profitable to do so.  And because armies are (and always have been) mostly made up of healthy young men, deprived of the company of young women and with nothing in particular to accomplish with their pay, many camp followers have always been prostitutes (indeed, the former is often used as a euphemism for the latter).

Up until a century ago, nobody pretended to be surprised by this or subscribed to the ridiculous delusion that it could or should be prevented somehow; the first country to imagine otherwise, the United Kingdom, first contented itself (starting in 1864) with a series of increasingly-oppressive “Contagious Disease Acts” justified as a means of preventing the spread of STIs in the military.  But even the British allowed their officers in the Great War to avail themselves of well-run “blue lamp” brothels…while denying the enlisted men prophylactics and restricting them to makeshift “red lamp” facilities staffed by near-amateurs, then wringing their collective hands at an STI rate seven times that of their German foes.  And while the French, Canadians and New Zealanders followed the same sort of pragmatic practices as the Germans did, the Americans preferred the British “order the men to be asexual” approach; New Orleans’ “Storyville” district was closed by federal order in 1917 at the urging of Josephus Daniels, Secretary of the Navy, who considered the whores a “bad influence” on the sailors at the nearby naval base.

By the time of World War II, it seemed the pragmatic approach was winning:

…The military governor of Hawaii did everything he could to make the hookers of Honolulu happy; Hitler ordered that his troops be issued blow-up sex dolls; the American authorities distributed condoms; and the Japanese resorted to the abominable “comfort women” scheme (which was also used in reverse form, with Japanese whores for American troops, during the first year of the occupation)…illustrations of feminine pulchritude…brightened barracks, bunks, tents and even the noses of bombers.  On British planes, those paintings were often of Jane, a shapely Daily Mirror comic-strip character who would always somehow manage to lose her clothes by the last panel, usually in some incredibly unlikely fashion; Christabel Leighton-Porter, the model upon whom she was based, also posed for nude photos which were literally dropped in bundles to the troops to increase morale…

But this swing toward rationality was short-lived, and soon after the war the world lost its collective mind on the subject:

…The Vietnamese and Ouled-Nailprostitutes who served as nurses during the siege of Dien Bien Phu have almost been erased from history, as have the women ofHonolulu’s tolerated brothels who served the same function after Pearl Harbor and entertained the Navy for the rest of the war.  The French like to pretend that women who survived by providing services to the occupying Nazis were somehow different from the others who were forced to deal with them; the Japanese still deny the extent or even the existence of the military brothels in which they enslaved (mostly Korean) women for the “comfort” of their troops.  And the American military establishment continues to demand that its men avoid the company of professionals no matter how much this policy angers the host country or how many sexual assaults result from it, thusprioritizing the wishes of prudish fanatics above the health and happiness of the troops of both sexes…

There is no way to tell how long this will go on, but sooner or later this neo-Victorian prudishness must end; things go in cycles, and eventually the sex-negative phase we’ve been in for over a generation now will be discarded by younger people eager to do things differently.  But as military organizations themselves are also changing due to the advance of technology, what will that mean for sex workers?  Only time will tell, but I feel perfectly safe in declaring that as long as military organizations exist, they will continue to have a deep and close relationship with whores, whether those in power approve or not.

On a Mountain top

« Rotten to the Core

Which I Doubt »

On a Mountaintop

June 12, 2013 by Maggie McNeill

At menopause, my wife’s libido went to zero, but she won’t take hormone replacement therapy due to fear of cancer.  She has refused sex for well over 3 years, and though she says she understands the stress I experience when denied sex, she doesn’t want it so I can’t have it.  And though she’s ultra-responsible in other aspects of her life, this is an exception.  We’ve been seeing a marriage counselor for years, and just 2 months ago she told me, “You know, it is never going to get better.”  I believe my wife when she says she loves me, but it’s a strangely limited love; we can cuddle but not caress.  When I hold her, I have the sensation of being high on a mountaintop, breathing the rarefied air.  So, how does a responsible, caring, active, intelligent woman reconcile her decision to terminate all sexual activity with a man she still professes to love?  How can someone who is so expert at understanding the consequences of her actions on others ignore something that she knows is incredibly important to me?

The problem is manifold but it has three main components.  First, modern Western women are taught a somewhat-milder version of Robin Morgan’s definition of rape:  “I claim that rape exists any time sexual intercourse occurs when it has not been initiated by the woman, out of her own genuine affection and desire.”  Now, most women don’t go nearly as far as Morgan, and in fact a large fraction don’t like initiating at all.  However, they do believe the part which says that the only valid reason for a woman to have sex is “her own genuine affection and desire”; they might not go so far as to call other sex “rape”, but they do believe there’s something wrong with it, that it’s somehow deficient, defective, disgusting or at least déclassé.  This is part of neo-Victorianism; Victorian women were taught that good women only had sex to please their husbands and have babies, while women now are taught that good women only have sex to please themselves or have babies.  In both cases, a large spectrum of female sexual behavior is branded as “wrong”, and modern women have just as much difficulty rejecting that repressive dogma as their great-grandmothers did.

Next, American Protestant Christianity has long taught that sexual needs are actually not needs at all, but only desires; by and large, Americans dependably (out loud, at least) reject the fact that sexual deprivation has deleterious physical and psychological effects, despite the fact that most people have either experienced them or observed them firsthand.  This has been enshrined as a tenet of faith by neofeminists; they not only insist that men don’t need sex, but teach that anyone who acknowledges the facts is a “rape apologist” who believes that any given individual man is somehow entitled to free sex from any given individual woman.  Because of American anti-sex culture nobody has the gonads to stand up to them and pronounce their beliefs utterly bat-shit crazy, and so even though most American women aren’t neofeminists the idea that sex is more akin to watching TV than to eating is a popular one.

Lastly, you must remember that the catechism of androgyny is extremely widespread; many people truly believe that all differences between men and women are the result of “socialization”.  They ignore primate studies, deny differences in brain architecture, and pretend sex hormones have no effect on behavior despite the fact that it’s incontrovertible that they do.  And once a person buys into this myth, it’s easy to deny (as many do) that men typically need more sex than women and suffer worse effects from sexual deprivation.  Though “social construction” dogmatists pretend belief in neutral norms, the fact of the matter is that they overwhelmingly believe that female norms are standard, and thattypical male behavior is a pathological deviation from those norms.

What this boils down to is that your wife doesn’t know how important sex is to you, or else she unconsciously denies it.  Her behavior tells me she subscribes to all three of these beliefs to one degree or another:  You don’t really need sex no matter how much you say otherwise; she doesn’t need it, therefore you don’t either since men and women are the same…and if you really loved her you wouldn’t push, because duty sex is perverted.  You’re right when you say she didn’t choose to be this way; she was taught it just as we’re all taught bigoted attitudes and propaganda useful to maintaining the status quo.  I’m sure she really does love you, but she honestly believes giving you sex is as unnecessary and undesirable as acquiescing to your suggestions she learn to water-ski despite being afraid of the water.  She has told you point-blank that she will not provide you with any more sex; it would therefore be best for all involved if you make your own discreet arrangements and leave off trying to get it from her, since the effort merely creates conflict and produces no positive results.

Fossil

« Stupor Bowl

Don’t Call It Trafficking »

Fossil

February 5, 2014 by Maggie McNeill

I’ve been married for ten years, but have felt disconnected from my wife for about the last 8 of them.  When we were dating she seemed to share my interests and to be sexually open-minded, but now I realize that she was just playing the devoted girlfriend, a role she has since exchanged for “Mommy”.  Though we both wanted kids (we have two), we had originally planned to enjoy time as a couple for a while before starting a family; instead she started to pressure me after a year of marriage, and we argued about it every month until she got pregnant.  After the second child, she grew even more distant and I went into a deep depression and started therapy. Since then, I enjoy what you might call “family life”, but not my private life; my wife wants me to be happy, but with her way of things, not by actually trying to make me happy.  We only have sex when and how she wants it, which is seldom and perfunctory.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to lose my family because I do treasure it, but I feel (and my therapist agrees) that I can’t live like a monk the rest of my life and still be happy.  I’m reluctant to try a professional because my employer has a “zero tolerance policy for human trafficking”; if caught I’d be fired on the spot.  And as you’ve said many times, amateurs can’t be trusted not to destroy the family life that I do love.  I do love my wife, and do not want to leave her or my family.  Your thoughts and advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

My cousin Jeff used to say that the tragedy of relationships is that women want men to change, and they don’t, while men don’t want women to change, and they do.  The truth, as much as nobody wants to hear it, is that Western people have been sold a lie.  Marriage was designed in ancient times not for companionship, but for social, economic and political expediency; it would still work just fine if we remembered that.  But somewhere along the line people started wanting to pretend that the hormonal rush we experience from being strongly drawn to someone is the same thing as love, which it isn’t; we even started calling it “falling in love” (which, again, it isn’t).  As if that weren’t bad enough, some two centuries ago we decided for some absurd reason that this temporary neurochemical derangement was in and of itself reason enough to make a lifelong commitment to someone, without any concern for economics or personal compatibility.  In fact, within the past century we completely departed from rationality by deciding that this quasi-inebriated condition was the only valid reason for marriage or (some believe) even having sex, and went so far as to create social institutions (such as anti-prostitution laws) to enshrine the fallacy as Divine Truth.

But that feeling of romantic love, though very powerful and as real as any feeling, is by its very nature ephemeral; it usually lasts no longer than two years, and almost never longer than seven.  Even couples who swear that they’re still “in love” after 20 years or whatever aren’t being entirely honest; what happens in the best, healthiest modern relationships is that the feeling of romantic love is gradually replaced by the stronger, sturdier type of affection we feel for our friends and children, just as the tissues of a fossil are slowly replaced by minerals.  The original shape is thus maintained, often perfectly, but the fossil is not the same as the organism it replaced, and never can be.  Sometimes the copy is as good as or even better than the original, but at other times the resemblance is superficial at best.  And if one of the couple just adores the fossil while the other feels it stinks, we arrive at a situation like yours:  your wife thinks it’s just wonderful that what was once living flesh has turned to stone, while you grieve for the living thing you lost; worse still, she can’t comprehend why you don’t prefer the nice, clean fossil which doesn’t crawl around or eat or get sick or anything messy like that.

I’ve written four times before about situations not dissimilar to yours, in “There Ain’t No Bad Guys“, “Late Bloomer“, “On a Mountaintop” and “Familiarity Does Its Thing“; you may wish to take a look at those, because elements of each might prove helpful.  The good news is, you don’t need to choose between a fulfilling sex life and a rewarding family life; the bad news is, you do need to choose between getting what you need and obeying the perverse and arbitrary dictates of your busybody employer about what you can do with your own life and money when you aren’t on the clock.  You wouldn’t obey a boss who told you that being a vegan or a teetotaler was a condition of employment, would you?  No, you’d talk the talk when necessary so as not to lose your job, then do what you wanted when you were off the clock because it isn’t any of their damned business.  Obviously, you need to be careful; in my examples it wouldn’t do for you to be caught in a bar or a steakhouse, so massage parlors or street girls are an absolute no-no for you.  Do your research, find a mature and established escort with a reputation for discretion, pay her what she asks and maybe a little more, and then as long as you’re careful you can have the advantage of a mistress without the emotional attachment and resultant risk of exposure.  You will get what you need, your wife will assume you’ve adjusted (as long as you keep trying her defenses regularly without actually harassing her), and both your family and your sanity will survive intact.

When one has a living creature under one’s care, it is one’s responsibility to take care of that creature’s needs

Jeff H
9:08 PM (22 minutes ago)

to me
I would guess there are a few women that get this, but it seems that most in the church have managed to miss the point...

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best.  At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.  –  Robert A. Heinlein

Today’s column is for the ladies.  Gentlemen are certainly welcome to read, comment and share the column with the women in your lives (if you dare), but my comments will all be directed toward the ladies and will therefore assume female gender.  I’ve been thinking about doing this one for a while, but a few factors (including some emails I’ve received and day-before-yesterday’s column) have at last inspired me to sit down and actually write it.  If any of my female readers have specific technique questions which I can’t cover herein without being graphic (sorry, guys), I’ll be happy to answer them privately via confidential email.

One night at UNO I was sitting around talking with several other girls, and when one said something about putting out for her boyfriend another replied haughtily, “I would never give a man sex unless I wanted it, too.”

Even back in those pre-professional days I considered that sort of attitude completely asinine, so I asked her, “Do you have a dog?” (knowing full well she did).

“What?” she asked, annoyed at my apparent change of subject.

“It’s a straightforward question,” I replied; “Do you, or do you not, have a dog?”

“You know I do!” she snapped.

“And you walk it every night?”

“Of course!”

“What if you don’t want to?”

“I still have to anyway, or she’ll go on the carpet during the night!”

“What if it’s raining?”

“Then my dad takes her for me!” The dumb bunny had no idea where I was going, but the smiles told me the other girls did.

“In other words, you care more about a dog than you do about a man.”

“How do you get that?”

“When one has a living creature under one’s care, it is one’s responsibility to take care of that creature’s needs, or else to arrange for someone else to do so.  And if you shirk that responsibility, you only have yourself to blame for the inevitable and foreseeable consequences.”

Unfortunately, this girl’s attitude is not at all unusual nowadays; women used to understand that men had sexual needs which it was a wife’s responsibility to provide for.  But as I discussed in my column of July 21st, decades of lies and neofeminist propaganda that men and women are the same and that women should only accept sex when they desire it (and for no other reason) have done tremendous damage to the male-female dynamic; ignorant modern women not only feel that husbands should be satisfied with whatever sexual pickings their wives choose to dole out, however meager or restricted, but also refuse to understand that a starving man will seek food elsewhere if it isn’t available at home.  Every escort hears it over and over again: “My wife doesn’t give me sex any more,” or “after the kids my wife lost interest,” or some other variation on it.  These men have no reason to lie; they want us to understand that they are driven by need, and the sadness in their voices is unmistakable.  The statement that “no woman should have to have sex if she doesn’t want it” ignores the simple fact that in today’s world a woman does not need to marry for support any longer, just as my silly schoolmate did not need to own a dog.  Getting married is a free choice, and carries responsibilities with the privileges.  If you refuse to take care of your dog you should give him to somebody who will, and if you refuse to give sex to your husband you should either divorce him or suggest he satisfy his needs elsewhere with your blessing.  You cannot have your cake and eat it, too; a man is NOT a woman, and if you expect him to respect your choice not to have sex with him, you in turn must respect his choice to get it from somebody else.

Women who actually starve their husbands are in the minority, though; the more typical wife merely offers such repetitive and unpalatable fare that her husband simply loses his appetite for her cooking and yearns to dine elsewhere.  One of my correspondents recently wrote, “I know so many women who say their men are apt to fall asleep in front of the TV or play on the computer all evening; sex seems to be not very high on their list of priorities.”

I replied, “Not to be mean, but what isn’t ‘high on their list of priorities’ is boring, repetitive sex with their dumpy, frowsy wives who sit around in sweatsuits with short hair and only want sex when they’re interested in the way they want it, and everything else is greeted with ‘That’s disgusting!’ or ‘You’re a pervert!’ or ‘I’m not gonna do that!’  Those same men are plenty interested in young-looking, well-kept escorts who have maintained their figures, dress in a feminine manner and will give them the kind of sex they want when they want it.”

When you’re done jumping up and down, screaming at me and calling me a bitch, sit down and listen to what I’m trying to tell you.  I understand that some women’s figures go south after having kids and that it’s difficult to reclaim them, but I’ll bet most husbands understand it as well; that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’ll use my own family as an example; I am the eldest of four sisters who all look much alike and started out with similar figures, though our personalities are all different.  All three of my sisters had two children each; the third sister is most like me in personality and still looks hot at 41, the youngest is athletic and has a very trim figure at 40, and the second is fat and dumpy.  The two younger sisters and I dress attractively and wear our hair in flattering styles; the second wears sweatsuits and “fat clothes” and chopped her hair off boy-short while she was pregnant with her first baby.  Finally, the two younger sisters and I treat our husbands well, while the second won’t lift a finger for hers; though I’m not privy to the details of my sisters’ sex lives, does anyone here have any doubt whose husband is most likely to cheat?  There are no great biological differences between us; it was the psychological differences which caused the one sister to stop trying, and her appearance mirrors her behavior.  Every aspect of her dress and grooming screams “I don’t care whether you find me attractive or not!” to her husband and everyone else with eyes to see.

Just being overweight is not the problem, though many women love to use it as an excuse.  Lots of men like plump women, and I daresay the average man whose wife has put on too much weight would still be happy with her sexually if she made every other effort to attract him.  Don’t believe me?  Turn off the goddamned TV, put down Cosmo and surf the escort sites on the internet for a while; you’ll find quite a few “BBW” (Big Beautiful Woman) escorts, women who are definitely fat but still make the effort to look nice and give men what they need sexually.  Yes, a good figure goes a long way (and for most women is very sustainable with sensible eating and regular exercise), but dress, grooming and attitude go much farther, especially for a woman who has the advantage of already being married to the man she’s trying to attract!

If you want to keep your husband sexually happy the best advice I can give you is, get the word “no” out of your vocabulary!  Any woman over the age of 16 should have noticed that all men are, to put it bluntly, perverts by female standards; as the picture at right reminds us, everything turns men on!  Yes, a lot of what they like is weird or gross or nasty or even funny to most women; so what?  Do you personally have to judge dog food palatable before you give it to your dog?  As long as what your husband wants in bed doesn’t actually hurt you or give you serious doubts about his masculinity, what difference does it make?  You’ve had his semen inside you hundreds of times, so why does it matter if he wants to put it on your butt, tits, stomach, face or hair sometimes?  And trust me, I know better than you how it tastes; if you’re having sex for the flavor, you’re doing it for the wrong reason.  He wants to tie you up?  Let him!  Great Aphrodite, you trust him with your life every day, so why is this different?  Are you afraid you’ll like it?  And why is it too much trouble to wear stockings and a garter belt for him?  We all wore them every day until pantyhose were invented!  You liked playing dress-up when you were seven; reclaim the fun and pretend to be a nurse or hooker or whatever it is he wants.  You might enjoy it!

Even if you’re afraid of something he wants (such as anal sex), would it kill you to at least consider it?  Don’t refuse him out of hand; think about it.  Ask questions and do research on the internet.  Work up to it by slow stages, and ask him to be patient with you; if all else fails, see if you can work out some kind of compromise.  So his fantasy is to have both you and your sister?  I don’t blame you for refusing to do that, but how about compromising by hiring an escort to be the other woman?  Don’t worry, she’s not after your husband!  She’s just there to do her job, which in this case is to allow the two of you to explore a fantasy which would otherwise be impossible.

Even if you already do all this stuff, your husband may still hire prostitutes; the male animal craves variety, and some are unwilling or unable to put that craving aside.  Trust me, sister, this is not something to worry about unless you can’t afford it or it becomes an obsession (too much of anything is bad).  He’s not going to leave you for a whore, and she’s a lot safer than an affair (as I discussed in my column of August 2nd).  So if you do find out your husband has been occasionally indulging in the hobby, do yourself a favor and consider all of your options before having a hissy-fit and doing something you may later regret.

If all of this seems too difficult, you can certainly just keep on the course you’ve set, but if your relationship hits the rocks solely because you couldn’t be bothered to tend the wheel there is nobody to blame but yourself.  In the final analysis you married your husband for a reason, most likely nowadays because you loved him.  If you don’t love him any more, why are you still with him?  And if you do still love him, isn’t making him happy worth a bit of effort?